First of all I did not write this because I love the show. No. I wrote this because I happened to watch a part of it today, and that part of the television series let me rediscover three important things in human life. You’ll know when you’re done reading my entry. By the way, before I formally begin, I would like to inform you that tonight (the day I wrote this) is January 11, 2007. This one’s another narrative, but probably, a shorter one… I would encourage my readers to read this without any intervals or interruptions. This advice is practically applicable to all short stories. Never mind what happened this afternoon. Sako na lang ito padi ta baka magsabi na naman ang saro jan tigkakalat ko na naman. Pasensya na… Anyway, this is how my night went…
I arrive home at about quarter to seven. People downstairs are preparing for dinner, browsing the channels in the television, doing assignments, singing, moving around, and are continuously talking. I sigh to myself. Good thing I got these fools to cheer me up… though they’re not enough… *sigh*… I proceed upstairs, to my room, change my clothes, act as if I’m the happiest person on Earth, and –wait, what’s next? What will I do again? Oh yes, I’ll do my assignment in Social Studies. At least I’m done. Nothing left to do now. I’m getting bored. Oh wait! Damn! I forgot to print my previous blog in Friendster™! Me and one of my classmates are supposed to conduct a devious plot tomorrow, you know. Hehehe… $#!+!!! Anyway, I decide to call up some classmates. I’ll ask them a favor… I call Alec…
“Alec, may Internet kamo? Pwedeng maghagad favor? Pa-print katong blog ko sa Friendster…”
“Ay sorry Myk, mayo kaya kaming connection kadto pa… haloy na…”
“Iyo? Sige, salamat na lang… salamat! Bye!”
I call Jeff…
“Jeff, may Internet ka?”
“Ay mayo kami Myk, tano?”
“Mayo man… mapa-print lang kudta akong blog… sa Friendster… Sige salamat!”
I call Eliz…
“Sis, may Internet connection kamo? Mapa-print kudta akong blog…”
“Mayo. Blog sa? Friendster?”
“Ahh, iyo. Sige salamat…”
“Halat lang…”
“Tano?”
“Tig-invite mo na si ano…?”
“Padi, (in the words of Kenneth), no comment ako diyan. Sige, bye!”
What a zwischen-question (if a zwischen-check is an in-between or interposing move in chess, I guess I’ll coin the word zwischen-question, meaning, an unexpected and interruptive question.)… I call Faye… the line’s busy… Sure, I could just go there by walking a few meters, but my timidity triumphed over me. I won’t let go there anymore… I call Xis. Unfortunately, or should I say, fortunately, someone else answers… and the favor turned to a conversation…
“Hello? Good evening po, pwede po kay Alexis?”
“Ay, tulog pa. Sino ‘to.”
“Sisay, ako? Ako? Iyo, ako. Ako.”
“Umm, si Myk?”
“Iyo, ako… ako…”
“Garo ka daw kapay.”
“Sisay, ako? Ako? Dai, ugma lang ako.”
“Hay, may problema ka ano? Ano, sabiha na.”
“Ako?! Ako, may problema? Sisay ako? Mayo baga akong problema… ugma baga ako?”
Dude, lying to myself must be the greatest lie I’d ever made! ME? Happy? No problem? Impossible… even though that day was a damned one, I made sure I don’t let any of my cats out of the bag. I won’t get off guard … I will twist her psyche if I had to, just don’t let any problem get out of my mouth…
“Nakakapay ka na talaga… Sabiha na kaya, tungkol kay ______? Tig-invite mo na palan ‘to? Sa Prom?”
“Dai, ugma baga talaga ako, mayo ngani akong problema ni saro… Ako pa, ako… ako… iyo, ako…”
“I-invite mo na angni. Mainutan ka pa ni _______.”
“Mainutan? then go… (Sir Willy voice) Kung habo niya sako, then go…”
“Nakakapay ka na talaga. Ano ngani problema?”
“Sisay ako? Ako?”
Let’s just say, the “ako” circulation technique, which I acquired from a good friend, not only prolonged our time in the phone, but also obviated our supposed-to-be sharing moment. That brought me good news… somehow…
After the telebabad session with Kate (not Panis, but the sister of Alexis), I go back upstairs, take my dinner, and start to play chess. I am about to move my Queen when my cousin told me that someone on the other end of the telephone line was looking for me. I’m coming, I’m coming. Then, I pick up the phone’s receiver. It was Jeff. He asks me the materials we needed to buy for computer. Yes, the RJ-45 and the UTP CAT5 cable. We bid each other goodbye, and I go back upstairs again. Scarcely had I turned to go to my room when I hear the Gary Valenciano song, “Sana Maulit Muli”, being played on the television. Uyan na si Kim tapos si Gerald. Good luck. I mock it but, instinctively weird as I am, I go and watch it. There is Erich, my first-year-high-school celebrity crush. I would like to highlight the word “crush”. Why? Because I want you to know that I like my crush because of her looks, but I love my loved one because of her attitude. That’s the diff!
Going back to the telenovela, I focused on the storyline and the dialogues of Erich as Camille, Gerald as Travis, and Kim as Jasmine. Fine, fine. They’re doing well… for beginners. If I’ll tell you the whole story, it would take two more pages, so I deleted them. While I am watching the movie, I jot down meaningful dialogues from certain characters, but the only character who gave me my fill of significant dialogues was the old, foretelling, bilocating man. He quoted three good statements.
The first one goes like this: “May dalawang uri lang ng problema ang tao: pera, o pag-ibig.” Whoa, wait a minute. Don’t take the quote per se. The term money there symbolizes all the Earthly and superficial things a man wishes for his life. Love there on the other hand, should be taken as is –love itself. To paraphrase, “Man thinks only about two things in life: the Earthly ones, or love.” I’m sleepy so go ahead and interpret this quote yourself…
The next one is this : “Gawin mo na ang lahat ng dapat mong gawin. Maikli lang ang buhay mo. Darating rin ang oras mo.” This one may wrap you in a sepulchral aura and a gloomy ambience, but pay no heed to those negativities. Read the message. The message says that we should do all we can and all the things we should do and want to do on Earth– before it is too late. Say ‘I Love You’ to the people you love, give them also the chance to express to you what they feel about you, and finally, let them feel that you will never leave them, cost what it may… Again, you continue…
The third and the last one, goes like this: “Dapat mong gamitin ang puso mo sa lahat ng bagay na gagawin mo.” ‘Huh?! So in Math we will use our hearts in solving, not our mind?’ is another hasty and shallow interpretation of the quote. But why not? You yourself can feel if your answer is right, right? Not at all times, though. Use your heart. Your mind contains the Knowledge and Wisdom of man, but keep in mind (block that metaphor!) that it also comes with Limitations. The heart, then again, contains the Knowledge and Wisdom of God, no Limitations and most of all, it contains, Love. So which will you choose, your mind which tells you to “think” first about the problem, or your heart, which lets God think the decision or solution up for you? Don’t argue with me. My previous statement about the “choosing” thing is not a matter of questioning you, my dear reader, but I did it for the sake of uplifting and appraising the value of the heart over the mind… I’m sleepy… You think about the rest… thanks… this is it for my narrative…
Thursday, February 8, 2007
"From The Sickbed of The King's Gambiteer"
Today, December 30, Saturday, I open my eyes, hoping that I’ll wake up at the right side of the bed. I ‘m already awake but still am not in the right mood to get out of bed. I feel comfortably warm under this Mickey Mouse blanket with its warming embrace making the moment more comfortable. Since I woke up, I kept thinking about the one thing I do this Christmas vacation: play chess. I spend hours and hours playing the memorable games of such masters like Morphy, Mieses, Reshevsky, Capablanca, Tarrasch, Alekhine, and many more. I analyzed, criticized and remarked about every move they made which contributed to the win. They were not as difficult as they seemed, but I could not say that they were easy either.
Going back to me…I decide to sit up, I sit up, and damn: at once I see my brother playing computer games early in the morning (at 7 AM!). I sigh for a while, pull out my grandpa’s chessboard under the bed, get The Book (papa’s chess book, that is) and set the pieces up. Dad enters the room. Getting sight of what I’m doing, he invites me for one game. Before we begin playing, I clutched what appeared to be a little doll replica of a dog (with matching hat and purse). I called it Little D. I’m holding it because I know that it will serve as an inspiration to me during my game with Dad, you know. You’ll know later…
After a long while, I manage to clinch the win simply by posing him problematic threats. We then analyze the position before the moment we ended our game (that’s before he uttered “I Resign…”). Grumbling noisily, my stomach somehow told me to take my breakfast already. I follow orders from it, get up, fix the bed, then decide to take first a morning shower. I gargle (Astring-A-Sol Ice, yeah!), but newsflash: tap water was freezing cold! (*Sigh…*) Anyway, I finish my gargling session and settled on pursuing with my shower. I get hold of the shower’s knob and remembered how arctic the water felt.
“Damn… ang lamig…haaaay… ”, I sigh in exasperation. Should I or should I not? Is it a deal or no deal? Kind of corny, I know. But hey, this is my story so keep your mouth shut and continue reading.
I finally decide: I will. Most of you would likely think “Taking a cold bath is such a small thing…”. But ladies and gentlemen, I am faced with a showering experience exceeding the usual, or rather typical sensation of a cold bath. It was cooler than cool! Then, I find out the reason for such a circumstance: it’s raining outside– raining hard. Like I always do, I convince myself to take it. I turn the shower knob on, and the first few droplets of it made my whole body shiver. Numb. I feel numb, “manhid” in Bicol. I just sing the coldness out with the tune of “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance.
At last! It’s done! I survived it. Yeah, somehow, I think I’ll give myself a pat on the back. Next: take my breakfast. Let’s fast forward this story so as not to consume too much time on small things (like what I did about the shower thing…).
I am playing with one of my favorite games in VisualBoy Advance (Final Fantasy Tactics Advance to be specific) when I notice that Mom was feeling sick. Postponing their planned grocery shopping that morning, she stayed on bed. Once in a while, she would utter words of nuisance for her unexpected condition and then, vomits. She throws up on the chamber pot Dad (or my little brother) placed by the bed. I simply take her condition as a symptom of fever. It was a long time, maybe several months since Mom felt this sick again. Anyway, I went on with my game.
We take our lunch, I resume with my chess analysis (and gratification), and go back to playing Final Fantasy. While we are on the subject, let me tell you that I named my main character Sedo, well, as reminiscent of someone. Sedo is currently the head of Clan MUISENYXO, again as a reminiscent of someone, or “sometwo” (because they are two people) if we may coin such a word. The current members of the clan are Sedo, of course, the Illusionist-Paladin hero of the story, Montblanc the Gadgeteer-Black Magician, Bellini the Fighter-Ninja, Ocon the Hunter-Archer, Lorek the Morpher-Alchemist, Adelaid the Summoner-Assassin, Shara the Sniper, Ritz the Fencer, Ezel the Hermetic and (believe it or not) Kenneth (nice name…), the Dragoon-Gladiator. Mind you, Sedo (lvl. 35) and Kenneth (lvl. 34) are my best characters. Their hand-to-hand combo deals a maximum of 931 damage out of the maximum of 999. Aren’t they the best duo? What a coincidence. I think they would really make a good pair…even in real life.
I was at the climactic fixture of the excitement I’m getting in playing Final Fantasy when Dad rudely interrupts the whole panorama.
“Mac, shut down mo na muna computer at, a, punta tayo ng Banco Filipino…dali na…”
“Ha? Ano naman gagawin natin ‘dun?”
“Deposit muna tayo ng pera sa account niyo, baka ma-deactivate.”
I obey unwillingly, spoiled of the moment of finishing my to-do-in-the-game-for-the-day task. I dress up, and we leave at once. After 3 days of utter dullness inside the house, I once again experience the energetic ambience of Centro. We get the depositing done and proceed home straight away. Dad stopped by a grill house of some kind and instructed me to order 6 steamed siopaos. When the girl by the counter turned her head towards my direction when I asked for the siopao’s price, I exclaim in my head, “She looks exactly like (class number) Four! Only slightly slimmer, I guess… If this is how beautiful this grill-house girl appears to me, then Four must be–--”
“Heto na po, sir… ”, she says as she blew my thoughts away.
“Ah, salamat,” I instinctively respond.
We arrive at the house. When we enter the room, Mom’s no better when we left as when she is when we arrived. She accepted our pasalubong though, which is the siomai. It’s half past four. Dad suggests that Mom be confined in St. John Hospital for further analysis of what her illness may be. Scarcely have I been playing when Dad asks me (again) to dress up. The three of us, Mom, Dad and I, set for St. John Hospital and we arrive there at quarter past five. Mom is sent to the emergency for examination. I wait at the lobby; sit on a chair and leisurely watch what was on TV.
“Saturday pala ngayon…”, I mumble to myself as I saw what was on air, which was ABS-CBN’s “Abt Ur Luv”. If Time and Fate were not toying with me, then I’d say it’s another coincidence, because the scene on TV showed Rayver Cruz doing some chitchat with Shaina Magdayao. I once envied Rayver Cruz when he played Siegfried or simply “Red” in the fantaserye “Spirits” directed by Dir. Chito Roño, where he is the main character of the story and is the lover of (and loved back by) Maja Salvador who plays Gabby. His role had everything I (and maybe every other boy) wished for: the wealth, superb friends, a loving family, the looks, even supernatural, explicitly psychic powers! But all of those would not be as important as they seem as of now if he did not have the most significant blessing: Gabby.
Anyway, he’s again there on TV, with another girl, Shaina Magdayao. I’m not in any position to question him why he chose Shaina ‘because I don’t know both of them personally. But I’m not the only one who looks up on him. A classmate of mine also idolize Rayver, and she even (this time a girl) told, “Crush ko ‘yun”.
Man, what more could that guy ask for? Girls like this classmate of mine (and she’s damn gorgeous) are falling for him! Boy, that’s living, I’ll tell you…
Going back to the hospital, Mom is finally sent to a private room where she will be able to rest for the night and hopefully, we would be able to leave the following day. By the way, her ill feeling that morning was just an effect of high blood pressure, which was triggered by strenuous exercise, hunger (she did not eat lunch that afternoon), and the monosodium glutamate or “vetsin” in the nuts she took the previous evening.
After organizing the whole room, Mom lied down on the bed. Dad and I, on the other hand, play three chess games. On the first game, with me as White, I play the Ruy Lopez Opening, and it loses. On the second game, now I’m playing Black, I try the Caro-Kann. The match ends in a draw via perpetual check. On the final game, with me as White, I told myself that I’ll win this one for my real-life Queen.
“Anong opening na naman gagamitin mo? Ruy Lopez na naman? Guioco Piano? Hindi na ‘yan tatalab…hehehe”, Dad proudly affirms me.
“Basta…”, was my simple response.
Before the game culminates Mom asks for my assistance because she’ll urinate, and I will be holding the dextrose while she pees. I somewhat thanked Destiny and Fate for such an intermission. It gave me the time to think about what I could possibly use to ensure my win against Dad.
Finally, after about two minutes, Mom signals success as she slowly walks out of the toilet room. Whew, that took a long time, I thought. We went back to her room where Dad was lazily waiting for us. Then, we started our game.
Favouring King Pawn rather than the Queen Pawn openings, I lightly move 1 P-K41 … P-K4. The next move I’ll make, however, I know will somehow surprise Dad: 2 P-KB4! King’s Gambit! Yes, the King’s Gambit, whether Accepted or Declined, is currently my most powerful weapon in Chess. I favour this opening for the reason that it allows me to get my pieces out in the open in double quick time, carry out sharp and sound sacrificial attacks against my opponent and finally, execute mate earlier than my other games with varying openings. as the first move. Dad retorts by
In the end, after about 30 moves or so, I force Dad’s resignation by pointing out and demonstrating to him the continuation-to-be of my shrewd little combination which was inevitable as it was uninterruptible. Oh yeah, I smell pride in the air…hmmm…feels good…
Somewhat around 10 PM, Dad informs us that he would go back at the house and spend the night there because he was told by my pathetic little brother that he can’t sleep on his own. Thumbsucks!
I urge Dad to stay but I give up on the end. Even so, I proposed a “deal” that I will be the one to look out for mom that night provided that dad will accompany me to the nearest store to buy me some foodstuff to chew on in the hospital. He agrees promptly and I bade Mom goodbye for a while. I order three Champola wafer stick containers (with the wafer sticks in them, of course) of different flavours. Yes, I’m an addict. A “Stick-O” and wafer stick addict, that is! I even feel bizarre with myself because of this newly-found addiction I got ever since Christmas vacation began. Try it yourself sometime and you will find it hard to refrain from buying from more. (Well, unless you’re allergic to wafer sticks or something like that…)
Dad accompanies me back to the hospital’s main doors, but he did not go any further. We separate ways; I go to mom’s room in the hospital while Dad makes his way to our house.
There I am again, back in Mom’s room in the hospital. Good thing there is food-and-chessboard, my favorite combo. Before I start with my game, I search for my handkerchief in the pockets of my jeans. But instead of a handkerchief, I found Little D on my left side pocket.
“Weird. I don’t remember bringing this one on our way here…”
Little D... Someone gave them to me on the last day of classes, or before Christmas vacation began. Little D, as I have said, was given to me by someone. I didn’t expect it in return for the gift I gave that person earlier.
The gift was named under me and a friend’s name. Why do that? Well, with regards to the shout-out I “heard” (I did not really hear it because it was in text form. I thought that some readers might question the degree of my logic if I placed “saw” instead of “heard”…) in a website coming from her, I included my friend’s name in the tag as a reason for her to accept the gift. I really don’t know how she feels that time: was she burning mad at me? Annoyed to death maybe? I have not a single idea… I really do feel sorry for myself…
Monologue…
“Pare naman kasi ba’t mo naman sinabi sa iba…”
“Hindi ko nga alam kung ano naisip ko at halos malaman na ng lahat… ang alam ko lang naman ay sinabi ko sa iba, pero mga apat lang yata o limang tao nakakaalam…Siguro sila na rni ang nagkalat…naalala mo nung recollection?”
“Bakit, ano nangyari ‘nun?”
“Pare, tanda mo pa nung may isang taong nagtanong saiyo sa chapel mismo ng taas-boses sa harap ng halos kalahati ng iyong mga kaklase kung ano…alam mo na…kung…crush mo si ano…”
“Ah…oo…siguro kaya maraming nakaalam…mga rumourmonger kasi…”
“Sa tingin ko wala na tayong magagawa ngayon kung hindi ang maghintay lumipas ang galit ‘nun. Siguro hinid naman talaga ako–-”
“Pare naman! Wag kang mag-isip ng ganyan…kung totoo nga sinabi niya saiyo, then maniwala ka…hintayin mo na lang kung masabi pa niya uli sa’yo…”
“Siguro ibang phrase naman ang maririnig ko sa sundo na pagkakataong mag-usap kami…handa naman ako…kasalanan ko lahat ng ito pare… hindi ko na napigilan sarili ko…pasensya na pare… kasi ‘di ako makapaniawala…sorry pare…”
“Ako ay ikaw pare…ba’t ka nagso-sorry?”
“Hindi lang kasi sa iba ako may kasalanan. Pati sa sarili ko pare…hindi ko napigilan emosyon ko…”
At about 10 PM, Mom again tells me that she needs aid in going to the comfort room again. I do as I was told and we walk to the toilet room again. I wait in the lobby for her to come out. I take out one container of Champola and start nibbling on them…
I am on my third wafer stick when I suddenly hear someone, most probably one of the nearby patients, shriek in total anguish. I turn my head towards the direction of where the noise came from. At my right was a man, somewhere in his forties, shrieking in pain, with the sound of clogged phlegm getting the most of him. It is a pitiful sight, a very pitiful one. The girl (a teenager but somewhat younger than me) by his side and the man’s wife were already sobbing at their most, and I think they were hoping, sincerely hoping that their man be released from all the sufferings life has enchained him to.
I’m trying my best not to be caught glancing at them. If heaven was a mile away, I’m sure they’ll pack up their bags and leave this world goin’ there.
I continue to my fourth, sixth, seventh, then my eighth Champola stick. I can’t help but take a glimpse of them every now and then, adding more to my pity to them. As I finish my ninth stick, I notice that the man suddenly ceases from his cries. He seemed to sleep the pain away, letting his god decide when the thread of his life be cut, for he seemed ready. He is. The only ones who are his family members… I wish for that man’s recovery, for if he would not recover from his illness, Death would be the one to end it all…
When Mom (finally she’s done!) and I go back to our room, I immediately ask her what caused the old man’s shrieks. Mom tells me that it’s asthma. Asthma! That rings a bell! Where have I heard that word–- Papa! So that’s why that disease sounds familiar! It contributed to the death of my grandpa! Memories with him flash before my eyes. The day he first rode me on his car, his chess lessons to me since I was five, the smile he gives anyone whenever he greets them, the second time he was confined in Mother Seton (I was in 1st Year then), and finally, his burial at the Eternal Gardens. He was the one closest to me when it comes to family relationships, you know. I loved him so much that when my mom informed me of his death on the early morning of September the 13th, 2006, I was caught unprepared… Kumbaga sa chess, hindi pa ako handang matalo…
That morning, Mom told me to go down stairs and meet my Grandpa’s corpse. I didn’t move. I only heard her words but did not dare understand them. I was not ready! The night before Papa’s death, I even told him how I beat Dad, my classmates and some other people in chess. He said he was proud of me. He wished he could still play with me once more but I insisted that he rest. You see, Papa was blind. He was blinded by his diseases since the beginning of 2004. He asked me if I could nebulize him and I acted at once. I got the nebulizer, sat beside him and held the nebulizer close to his face. After it, he asked me to get his chessboard and we will play. I laughed of course because he was blind! How could he play? But I can sense that he was serious. He told me once again to get the chessboard, and in a flash, I was holding it in my hand. I set the pieces up, still thinking how Papa will beat me, considering his disability. I know that Papa had the virtue of a master when he plays, but “blindfold play”?
Papa asked me which I prefer, to play Black or to play White. Of course, I chose White. Then, we commenced our game. As I made my initial move, Papa told me to play as if it was my last. If that’s the case, then I would have to be the King’s Gambiteer again, I thought. So I did. It was my King’s Gambit against my Grandpa’s Falkbeer Defense. You would wonder how we played. Well, every time, make my move, I pronounce it using the descriptive system of notation.
When we reached the middle game, I got the shock of my young life. I was to be checkmated in two more moves! So that was why he was grinning! Not only that, the checkmate also cannot be parried, sidestepped nor delayed! I almost praised him with that! I can comprehend with Papa’s combinations well enough. But when and where he gets the chances to sparkle some sizzling combinations and how he infuses life to them from the very opening–- that is beyond me. He was truly a Master…my Master…
I bade Papa goodnight and he told me likewise. The feat he achieved was our secret, Papa’s and my secret. That following morning, I did not expect a morning thrust at the heart. The announcement of Papa’s death took me out of the usual blue. Why now? Why? But later, I understood. God (as you might call him) gave Papa the rest he has yearned for. He was released from the chains of sufferings! I knew I should be happy for him. I miss you Papa…
“Mac matulog na tayo. Pakipatay na ng ilaw” Mom said as she broke the moment. I considered Mom’s condition. She needs rest. But that time, I am in the process of making this narrative. I tell her to go ahead, for I will be the one to turn off the lights myself. But before she sleeps, I borrow her cellphone. I’ll send a message to a friend of mine. Then, she proceeded with her sleep.
I will be sending a message to my “li’l sis”. I greet my Sis a belated merry Christmas and an advanced happy new year. Then, I say sorry to her. I anticipate that her reply would be somewhat “Sorry for what?” and something like that.
I was correct. She asked me what I’m being sorry for. My wrong to her is too much to be said. I expect that if I tell it to her, she would get really offended and hate me for life. So, I did not tell her the reason why. I simply said sorry.
I’m about to sleep. Dear reader, I really do appreciate how you managed to finish reading this short narrative of mine. It does not have any goal in itself, though. Still, I would like to tell you that writing this narrative is simply my way of relieving myself of the cares, troubles and worries bothering me now. By the way, this might be my first and last blog on this website...Now, for the finale...
As I was saying, I am about to sleep. Once again, I get hold of Little D. This simple gift, this little one. How i miss the one who gave me this. That person...
I want to be by her side. That's enough. We don't need to talk. We just need to let our bodies talk. The company of the other already satisfies me. But I guess... that's just not the way. You need to talk in order to resolve Earthly matters. We are humans. Silence is just not enough to let the other one know how much you feel. So if one stays silent, there is a chance that the other may not understand. I doing just that, but i guess she misunderstood it. Well, I'm being perfectly honest and everything... You can say whatever you want but this is it... I'M SORRY TO ALL YOU WHOM I'VE HURT... I'm really sorry... I know silence was not enough for you to let you know that I'm sorry...
And please...don't say that actions speak louder than words. Yes it's true but... but if you're going to tell me that, then slap my face with it. 'Coz I ...I'm not such of a doer... I'm only good in words... That's why I wrote this one for YOU... 'Coz I'm good in words... Yup, only words... *sigh*...Words... "It's only words, but words are all I have to take your heart away..."
Going back to me…I decide to sit up, I sit up, and damn: at once I see my brother playing computer games early in the morning (at 7 AM!). I sigh for a while, pull out my grandpa’s chessboard under the bed, get The Book (papa’s chess book, that is) and set the pieces up. Dad enters the room. Getting sight of what I’m doing, he invites me for one game. Before we begin playing, I clutched what appeared to be a little doll replica of a dog (with matching hat and purse). I called it Little D. I’m holding it because I know that it will serve as an inspiration to me during my game with Dad, you know. You’ll know later…
After a long while, I manage to clinch the win simply by posing him problematic threats. We then analyze the position before the moment we ended our game (that’s before he uttered “I Resign…”). Grumbling noisily, my stomach somehow told me to take my breakfast already. I follow orders from it, get up, fix the bed, then decide to take first a morning shower. I gargle (Astring-A-Sol Ice, yeah!), but newsflash: tap water was freezing cold! (*Sigh…*) Anyway, I finish my gargling session and settled on pursuing with my shower. I get hold of the shower’s knob and remembered how arctic the water felt.
“Damn… ang lamig…haaaay… ”, I sigh in exasperation. Should I or should I not? Is it a deal or no deal? Kind of corny, I know. But hey, this is my story so keep your mouth shut and continue reading.
I finally decide: I will. Most of you would likely think “Taking a cold bath is such a small thing…”. But ladies and gentlemen, I am faced with a showering experience exceeding the usual, or rather typical sensation of a cold bath. It was cooler than cool! Then, I find out the reason for such a circumstance: it’s raining outside– raining hard. Like I always do, I convince myself to take it. I turn the shower knob on, and the first few droplets of it made my whole body shiver. Numb. I feel numb, “manhid” in Bicol. I just sing the coldness out with the tune of “Welcome to the Black Parade” by My Chemical Romance.
At last! It’s done! I survived it. Yeah, somehow, I think I’ll give myself a pat on the back. Next: take my breakfast. Let’s fast forward this story so as not to consume too much time on small things (like what I did about the shower thing…).
I am playing with one of my favorite games in VisualBoy Advance (Final Fantasy Tactics Advance to be specific) when I notice that Mom was feeling sick. Postponing their planned grocery shopping that morning, she stayed on bed. Once in a while, she would utter words of nuisance for her unexpected condition and then, vomits. She throws up on the chamber pot Dad (or my little brother) placed by the bed. I simply take her condition as a symptom of fever. It was a long time, maybe several months since Mom felt this sick again. Anyway, I went on with my game.
We take our lunch, I resume with my chess analysis (and gratification), and go back to playing Final Fantasy. While we are on the subject, let me tell you that I named my main character Sedo, well, as reminiscent of someone. Sedo is currently the head of Clan MUISENYXO, again as a reminiscent of someone, or “sometwo” (because they are two people) if we may coin such a word. The current members of the clan are Sedo, of course, the Illusionist-Paladin hero of the story, Montblanc the Gadgeteer-Black Magician, Bellini the Fighter-Ninja, Ocon the Hunter-Archer, Lorek the Morpher-Alchemist, Adelaid the Summoner-Assassin, Shara the Sniper, Ritz the Fencer, Ezel the Hermetic and (believe it or not) Kenneth (nice name…), the Dragoon-Gladiator. Mind you, Sedo (lvl. 35) and Kenneth (lvl. 34) are my best characters. Their hand-to-hand combo deals a maximum of 931 damage out of the maximum of 999. Aren’t they the best duo? What a coincidence. I think they would really make a good pair…even in real life.
I was at the climactic fixture of the excitement I’m getting in playing Final Fantasy when Dad rudely interrupts the whole panorama.
“Mac, shut down mo na muna computer at, a, punta tayo ng Banco Filipino…dali na…”
“Ha? Ano naman gagawin natin ‘dun?”
“Deposit muna tayo ng pera sa account niyo, baka ma-deactivate.”
I obey unwillingly, spoiled of the moment of finishing my to-do-in-the-game-for-the-day task. I dress up, and we leave at once. After 3 days of utter dullness inside the house, I once again experience the energetic ambience of Centro. We get the depositing done and proceed home straight away. Dad stopped by a grill house of some kind and instructed me to order 6 steamed siopaos. When the girl by the counter turned her head towards my direction when I asked for the siopao’s price, I exclaim in my head, “She looks exactly like (class number) Four! Only slightly slimmer, I guess… If this is how beautiful this grill-house girl appears to me, then Four must be–--”
“Heto na po, sir… ”, she says as she blew my thoughts away.
“Ah, salamat,” I instinctively respond.
We arrive at the house. When we enter the room, Mom’s no better when we left as when she is when we arrived. She accepted our pasalubong though, which is the siomai. It’s half past four. Dad suggests that Mom be confined in St. John Hospital for further analysis of what her illness may be. Scarcely have I been playing when Dad asks me (again) to dress up. The three of us, Mom, Dad and I, set for St. John Hospital and we arrive there at quarter past five. Mom is sent to the emergency for examination. I wait at the lobby; sit on a chair and leisurely watch what was on TV.
“Saturday pala ngayon…”, I mumble to myself as I saw what was on air, which was ABS-CBN’s “Abt Ur Luv”. If Time and Fate were not toying with me, then I’d say it’s another coincidence, because the scene on TV showed Rayver Cruz doing some chitchat with Shaina Magdayao. I once envied Rayver Cruz when he played Siegfried or simply “Red” in the fantaserye “Spirits” directed by Dir. Chito Roño, where he is the main character of the story and is the lover of (and loved back by) Maja Salvador who plays Gabby. His role had everything I (and maybe every other boy) wished for: the wealth, superb friends, a loving family, the looks, even supernatural, explicitly psychic powers! But all of those would not be as important as they seem as of now if he did not have the most significant blessing: Gabby.
Anyway, he’s again there on TV, with another girl, Shaina Magdayao. I’m not in any position to question him why he chose Shaina ‘because I don’t know both of them personally. But I’m not the only one who looks up on him. A classmate of mine also idolize Rayver, and she even (this time a girl) told, “Crush ko ‘yun”.
Man, what more could that guy ask for? Girls like this classmate of mine (and she’s damn gorgeous) are falling for him! Boy, that’s living, I’ll tell you…
Going back to the hospital, Mom is finally sent to a private room where she will be able to rest for the night and hopefully, we would be able to leave the following day. By the way, her ill feeling that morning was just an effect of high blood pressure, which was triggered by strenuous exercise, hunger (she did not eat lunch that afternoon), and the monosodium glutamate or “vetsin” in the nuts she took the previous evening.
After organizing the whole room, Mom lied down on the bed. Dad and I, on the other hand, play three chess games. On the first game, with me as White, I play the Ruy Lopez Opening, and it loses. On the second game, now I’m playing Black, I try the Caro-Kann. The match ends in a draw via perpetual check. On the final game, with me as White, I told myself that I’ll win this one for my real-life Queen.
“Anong opening na naman gagamitin mo? Ruy Lopez na naman? Guioco Piano? Hindi na ‘yan tatalab…hehehe”, Dad proudly affirms me.
“Basta…”, was my simple response.
Before the game culminates Mom asks for my assistance because she’ll urinate, and I will be holding the dextrose while she pees. I somewhat thanked Destiny and Fate for such an intermission. It gave me the time to think about what I could possibly use to ensure my win against Dad.
Finally, after about two minutes, Mom signals success as she slowly walks out of the toilet room. Whew, that took a long time, I thought. We went back to her room where Dad was lazily waiting for us. Then, we started our game.
Favouring King Pawn rather than the Queen Pawn openings, I lightly move 1 P-K41 … P-K4. The next move I’ll make, however, I know will somehow surprise Dad: 2 P-KB4! King’s Gambit! Yes, the King’s Gambit, whether Accepted or Declined, is currently my most powerful weapon in Chess. I favour this opening for the reason that it allows me to get my pieces out in the open in double quick time, carry out sharp and sound sacrificial attacks against my opponent and finally, execute mate earlier than my other games with varying openings. as the first move. Dad retorts by
In the end, after about 30 moves or so, I force Dad’s resignation by pointing out and demonstrating to him the continuation-to-be of my shrewd little combination which was inevitable as it was uninterruptible. Oh yeah, I smell pride in the air…hmmm…feels good…
Somewhat around 10 PM, Dad informs us that he would go back at the house and spend the night there because he was told by my pathetic little brother that he can’t sleep on his own. Thumbsucks!
I urge Dad to stay but I give up on the end. Even so, I proposed a “deal” that I will be the one to look out for mom that night provided that dad will accompany me to the nearest store to buy me some foodstuff to chew on in the hospital. He agrees promptly and I bade Mom goodbye for a while. I order three Champola wafer stick containers (with the wafer sticks in them, of course) of different flavours. Yes, I’m an addict. A “Stick-O” and wafer stick addict, that is! I even feel bizarre with myself because of this newly-found addiction I got ever since Christmas vacation began. Try it yourself sometime and you will find it hard to refrain from buying from more. (Well, unless you’re allergic to wafer sticks or something like that…)
Dad accompanies me back to the hospital’s main doors, but he did not go any further. We separate ways; I go to mom’s room in the hospital while Dad makes his way to our house.
There I am again, back in Mom’s room in the hospital. Good thing there is food-and-chessboard, my favorite combo. Before I start with my game, I search for my handkerchief in the pockets of my jeans. But instead of a handkerchief, I found Little D on my left side pocket.
“Weird. I don’t remember bringing this one on our way here…”
Little D... Someone gave them to me on the last day of classes, or before Christmas vacation began. Little D, as I have said, was given to me by someone. I didn’t expect it in return for the gift I gave that person earlier.
The gift was named under me and a friend’s name. Why do that? Well, with regards to the shout-out I “heard” (I did not really hear it because it was in text form. I thought that some readers might question the degree of my logic if I placed “saw” instead of “heard”…) in a website coming from her, I included my friend’s name in the tag as a reason for her to accept the gift. I really don’t know how she feels that time: was she burning mad at me? Annoyed to death maybe? I have not a single idea… I really do feel sorry for myself…
Monologue…
“Pare naman kasi ba’t mo naman sinabi sa iba…”
“Hindi ko nga alam kung ano naisip ko at halos malaman na ng lahat… ang alam ko lang naman ay sinabi ko sa iba, pero mga apat lang yata o limang tao nakakaalam…Siguro sila na rni ang nagkalat…naalala mo nung recollection?”
“Bakit, ano nangyari ‘nun?”
“Pare, tanda mo pa nung may isang taong nagtanong saiyo sa chapel mismo ng taas-boses sa harap ng halos kalahati ng iyong mga kaklase kung ano…alam mo na…kung…crush mo si ano…”
“Ah…oo…siguro kaya maraming nakaalam…mga rumourmonger kasi…”
“Sa tingin ko wala na tayong magagawa ngayon kung hindi ang maghintay lumipas ang galit ‘nun. Siguro hinid naman talaga ako–-”
“Pare naman! Wag kang mag-isip ng ganyan…kung totoo nga sinabi niya saiyo, then maniwala ka…hintayin mo na lang kung masabi pa niya uli sa’yo…”
“Siguro ibang phrase naman ang maririnig ko sa sundo na pagkakataong mag-usap kami…handa naman ako…kasalanan ko lahat ng ito pare… hindi ko na napigilan sarili ko…pasensya na pare… kasi ‘di ako makapaniawala…sorry pare…”
“Ako ay ikaw pare…ba’t ka nagso-sorry?”
“Hindi lang kasi sa iba ako may kasalanan. Pati sa sarili ko pare…hindi ko napigilan emosyon ko…”
At about 10 PM, Mom again tells me that she needs aid in going to the comfort room again. I do as I was told and we walk to the toilet room again. I wait in the lobby for her to come out. I take out one container of Champola and start nibbling on them…
I am on my third wafer stick when I suddenly hear someone, most probably one of the nearby patients, shriek in total anguish. I turn my head towards the direction of where the noise came from. At my right was a man, somewhere in his forties, shrieking in pain, with the sound of clogged phlegm getting the most of him. It is a pitiful sight, a very pitiful one. The girl (a teenager but somewhat younger than me) by his side and the man’s wife were already sobbing at their most, and I think they were hoping, sincerely hoping that their man be released from all the sufferings life has enchained him to.
I’m trying my best not to be caught glancing at them. If heaven was a mile away, I’m sure they’ll pack up their bags and leave this world goin’ there.
I continue to my fourth, sixth, seventh, then my eighth Champola stick. I can’t help but take a glimpse of them every now and then, adding more to my pity to them. As I finish my ninth stick, I notice that the man suddenly ceases from his cries. He seemed to sleep the pain away, letting his god decide when the thread of his life be cut, for he seemed ready. He is. The only ones who are his family members… I wish for that man’s recovery, for if he would not recover from his illness, Death would be the one to end it all…
When Mom (finally she’s done!) and I go back to our room, I immediately ask her what caused the old man’s shrieks. Mom tells me that it’s asthma. Asthma! That rings a bell! Where have I heard that word–- Papa! So that’s why that disease sounds familiar! It contributed to the death of my grandpa! Memories with him flash before my eyes. The day he first rode me on his car, his chess lessons to me since I was five, the smile he gives anyone whenever he greets them, the second time he was confined in Mother Seton (I was in 1st Year then), and finally, his burial at the Eternal Gardens. He was the one closest to me when it comes to family relationships, you know. I loved him so much that when my mom informed me of his death on the early morning of September the 13th, 2006, I was caught unprepared… Kumbaga sa chess, hindi pa ako handang matalo…
That morning, Mom told me to go down stairs and meet my Grandpa’s corpse. I didn’t move. I only heard her words but did not dare understand them. I was not ready! The night before Papa’s death, I even told him how I beat Dad, my classmates and some other people in chess. He said he was proud of me. He wished he could still play with me once more but I insisted that he rest. You see, Papa was blind. He was blinded by his diseases since the beginning of 2004. He asked me if I could nebulize him and I acted at once. I got the nebulizer, sat beside him and held the nebulizer close to his face. After it, he asked me to get his chessboard and we will play. I laughed of course because he was blind! How could he play? But I can sense that he was serious. He told me once again to get the chessboard, and in a flash, I was holding it in my hand. I set the pieces up, still thinking how Papa will beat me, considering his disability. I know that Papa had the virtue of a master when he plays, but “blindfold play”?
Papa asked me which I prefer, to play Black or to play White. Of course, I chose White. Then, we commenced our game. As I made my initial move, Papa told me to play as if it was my last. If that’s the case, then I would have to be the King’s Gambiteer again, I thought. So I did. It was my King’s Gambit against my Grandpa’s Falkbeer Defense. You would wonder how we played. Well, every time, make my move, I pronounce it using the descriptive system of notation.
When we reached the middle game, I got the shock of my young life. I was to be checkmated in two more moves! So that was why he was grinning! Not only that, the checkmate also cannot be parried, sidestepped nor delayed! I almost praised him with that! I can comprehend with Papa’s combinations well enough. But when and where he gets the chances to sparkle some sizzling combinations and how he infuses life to them from the very opening–- that is beyond me. He was truly a Master…my Master…
I bade Papa goodnight and he told me likewise. The feat he achieved was our secret, Papa’s and my secret. That following morning, I did not expect a morning thrust at the heart. The announcement of Papa’s death took me out of the usual blue. Why now? Why? But later, I understood. God (as you might call him) gave Papa the rest he has yearned for. He was released from the chains of sufferings! I knew I should be happy for him. I miss you Papa…
“Mac matulog na tayo. Pakipatay na ng ilaw” Mom said as she broke the moment. I considered Mom’s condition. She needs rest. But that time, I am in the process of making this narrative. I tell her to go ahead, for I will be the one to turn off the lights myself. But before she sleeps, I borrow her cellphone. I’ll send a message to a friend of mine. Then, she proceeded with her sleep.
I will be sending a message to my “li’l sis”. I greet my Sis a belated merry Christmas and an advanced happy new year. Then, I say sorry to her. I anticipate that her reply would be somewhat “Sorry for what?” and something like that.
I was correct. She asked me what I’m being sorry for. My wrong to her is too much to be said. I expect that if I tell it to her, she would get really offended and hate me for life. So, I did not tell her the reason why. I simply said sorry.
I’m about to sleep. Dear reader, I really do appreciate how you managed to finish reading this short narrative of mine. It does not have any goal in itself, though. Still, I would like to tell you that writing this narrative is simply my way of relieving myself of the cares, troubles and worries bothering me now. By the way, this might be my first and last blog on this website...Now, for the finale...
As I was saying, I am about to sleep. Once again, I get hold of Little D. This simple gift, this little one. How i miss the one who gave me this. That person...
I want to be by her side. That's enough. We don't need to talk. We just need to let our bodies talk. The company of the other already satisfies me. But I guess... that's just not the way. You need to talk in order to resolve Earthly matters. We are humans. Silence is just not enough to let the other one know how much you feel. So if one stays silent, there is a chance that the other may not understand. I doing just that, but i guess she misunderstood it. Well, I'm being perfectly honest and everything... You can say whatever you want but this is it... I'M SORRY TO ALL YOU WHOM I'VE HURT... I'm really sorry... I know silence was not enough for you to let you know that I'm sorry...
And please...don't say that actions speak louder than words. Yes it's true but... but if you're going to tell me that, then slap my face with it. 'Coz I ...I'm not such of a doer... I'm only good in words... That's why I wrote this one for YOU... 'Coz I'm good in words... Yup, only words... *sigh*...Words... "It's only words, but words are all I have to take your heart away..."
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